Saturday, April 23, 2011

Feeling blue

I feel sad today. Missing Easter with the family is hard. I usually make a big ham dinner and do the Easter baskets for the kids. I feel like my kids don't even know me anymore. Naomi won't even really come to me anymore. They kids don't even say they miss me anymore. I feel like it's going to be hard when I come back home.
I am glad that the baby is staying put and all seems to be well. But I am torn at what to do when he is born. Obviously they are going to "kick" me out two or three days after he comes, do I stay here in the ICN or do I stay at the David house? (like a Ronald McDonald house) do I rent a hotel room so I can at least have some privacy? Do I go home and drive down every night? I just don't know. The way they are talking he will have to stay at least 3-4 weeks, longer if there are complications. So much to think about. This whole thing is just so hard. I am going to make sure I never have another baby! I am so done, it's just too hard on the family. At times I wish I never got pregnant. I feel kind of distant from the baby, I feel afraid to care about him. I will have to leave hi with strangers, he will have tubes and wires hooked up. I won't be able to breast feed him on my schedule. I feel like it's not even my many emotions. And then I feel like I lost my other  kids. It hurts so bad.
I am dreading his birth, really dreading it. 

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